Monthly Archives: April 2014

The Unexpected

These past few days have been quite ‘sudden’ as I would put it. I was in the hospital for three days and I couldn’t do anything. One minute I was fine, and the next I had some chest pain and trouble breathing. After school  I went to a clinic, then went to the emergency, then got a minor surgery, and then and then! It goes on, but the doctor told me I had pneumothorax and there wasn’t really any cause for it, sometimes it just happens spontaneously in tall and skinny teenagers when they’re doing vigorous exercise…. So on the way to the emergency room I was beginning to let things go… I felt my breathing slow down as pain erupted in my right side every time I inhaled..

 

Often life comes in jagged fragments, sometimes your living the moment and others life is just passing you by. But sometimes when you start to lose your breath, and breathing comes in short bursts and sharp drabs of pain, you begin to realize am I dying? Right now, I’m having trouble breathing and my minds blank. I’m thinking about when it might start to feel like suffocation. When will it feel like I’m breathing in my own water and struggling to climb to the top but never breaking the surface. Drowning in what could have beens and regrets. Drowsy with exhaustion and yet a bit of relief. 


What will  become of me, what will become of those around me? Will life go on or does it freeze?


Those were the thoughts I had… I didn’t appreciate my healthy body before and now it was taken before my eyes. Even though I’m recovering now, I can’t believe the pain I went through and even that pain compared to many others is nothing. Now my breathing has gone back to normal, but I”ll never forget those 60 hours of pain, every time I breathed in, it would be like a knife stabbing through my chest. Excruciating! But I can only imagine, that some people live like that every day of their lives, every breathing second. Some are born with problems in their lungs, and me, I didn’t even thank every single living moment I had before. I kept looking at others who had it better than me, but did I not realize that I have so many things that others want. 


Now I will never take anything for granted because life is too damn short. You never know when it’s going to happen. I really thought I might die that day, and I didn’t even have time to grieve because the whole time I was thinking, what was I thinking?


So right now, if you’re reading this, it means that your breathing, your heart’s beating, you can see, and you can read. Those four things, a lot of people can do, but a lot people can’t do them at all. So appreciate! Stop looking at the small unimportant things, and focus on the small things we overlook, like our hearts beating, our eyes seeing, our ears hearing, our lungs breathing, because there might come a day when your body fails you, but if you lived in the moment, you won’t regret anything.

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You’re nobody but yourself!

“Whenever you think or you believe or you know, you’re a lot of other people: but the moment you feel, you’re nobody-but-yourself.”- e.e. cummings

 

Whenever you feel like wishing that you could be someone else, just understand that we all have trials in life that we don’t show. Our closest friends have secrets that have tinted their lives, and the times we wish to be them, we don’t really understand or feel. When we feel other’s pains, when we feel empathy, when we feel compassion, it’s ours. I realized that after wanting to be someone else for most of my life, I wasn’t feeling. I wasn’t feeling my own emotions, I was trying hard to be someone else that people would like more, that others would care about. I was believing that I could be someone else. I was trying, I was thinking, I was changing, but never was I feeling. Feeling what it meant to be someone else, because, simply, it wasn’t me. If I really felt what others went through, then I would realize just how blessed I was. And instead of complaining, to actually experience and put my oblivion behind me. I realized that if I followed my own ambitions and my own hopes and dreams that I didn’t need to care about that anymore.

 

When that moment came to me, it hit me hard. I had always known that everyone went through things that were difficult, but it didn’t occur to me just how much they were going through when they would paste a smile on their face everyday.

 

Over the course of the last few days, I was at a Model UN conference which involved me sharing a hotel room with three other girls. Over the long nights, and early mornings we shared our own feelings and experiences that we had never told anyone before. When we really felt each other’s compassion, each other’s presence, and our own feelings, we began to unlock another fold in our heart to discovering who we truly are.

 

When I feel, there is truly no one like me. When you feel, when you truly understand, when you put yourself in another’s shoes, there will be none like you. I hope you take solace in that, because while others may be trying hard to satisfy that infinite unsatisfaction, you will be content with just feeling who you are, and who you can become.