Monthly Archives: June 2014

Forgiving Yourself (ihopeyoudream)

When you’re caught up in trying to get over what someone else did to you, you keep on trying to forgive them, well maybe that comes after.. But you often thought of forgiveness as something that the other person may be in debt of you for the rest of their lives, and then you’ll feel that sudden release of hatred leaving you because you moved on from the past. But have you ever thought of forgiveness in terms of yourself?

Because often, it isn’t that we’re always forgiving others, others have to forgive us for the mistakes we’ve made too. Sometimes we make the same mistakes again, but sometimes we don’t, we learn from forgiveness. It teaches us something about who we can be, instead of who we are. When I made a mistake that affected someone else, I always wanted forgiveness or some type of understanding, but I also forgot about something important that might affect my life a lot in the years to come.

Have I ever forgiven myself for the faults or mistakes that I’ve made or do I keep blaming myself? Maybe I haven’t done anything that I truly regret but there are times that I wish I didn’t do certain actions or said certain things. It’s good to acknowledge your mistakes, get past that, and don’t make the same mistake again. But when people focus too much on their mistakes and get caught up in the past over regrets, it hinders on what they’re capable on doing.

So let me ask you now, is there anything that you really regret doing? Something where you hurt someone and you might have been able to make it better but you let inaction define you in that moment of time? Or are there things that you think that are too big to ever forgive and you’ll never make it right again? Well let me tell you now, there are many things you can’t fix in life. That’s a fact. When you break something and glue it back together, it may look the same but on the inside there are many scars and cracks. But even though this may bring you down, you’ve got to understand that the constant blaming of yourself is not going to do anything. The only thing you can do is focus on your own good and try to use that to make someone’s day brighter. The other person may have forgiven you already but you might not have forgiven yourself. That’s something you should consider. Wash away that guilt and focus on something more worthwhile.

Guilt isn’t going to get you anywhere, actions are what count. And if the other person doesn’t forgive you even though you’ve done your best, and I mean you’re VERY best to right the wrongs that you’ve done, then you might understand that sometimes things break apart. It might be your fault, their fault, or someone else’s fault but at least you’ve learn a lot. Things you shouldn’t do again, or people you won’t trust again because they don’t trust you. Just move on, and live life.

Like many times before, and I’ll say it again, life is too short, and too fragile to get caught up in it for too long. Life will keep breezing a long, so it’s alright to get caught up in the moment but not for too long. Life can be cut at anytime, in another day or the next few hours. So if you’ve done things wrong but you’ve never apologized, you should call them up and just catch up with how they’re doing now. Honestly, if you admit that you’re wrong, and you apologize from the heart, guilt will let you free. And when you’re free, no one can stop you from reaching the sky~

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Why I live

Often a lot of people will ask me, ” why do you live such a stressed life?” They will tell me about how I need to enjoy life and have fun sometimes. And it’s true, I do live by the quote,
“Work first, then play.” But recently when two spontaneous pneumothorax’ left me with four holes in my chest, one month worth of classes to catch up, a smaller right lung,and hazy view of life after thinking that I might almost die, these experiences change you, it’s really hard to stop your own views from changing. They slowly do. Just like how your countenance changes every year but you never realize it, until you look at old photographs. That’s how much I changed. Even though I learned to take even more care of my body, I realized just how fragile life really is. Everyone around me was shocked. A girl who was so strong and healthy! How could something like this happen to her. And it was so hard to get past all the emotional conflicts inside me when everyone on the outside kept reminding me of a weak helpless girl. My parents were like,” We don’t care if you don’t succeed in life, your health is the most important.” They always repeat this mantra every single day. It really does start to take a toll on me. With constant reminders of how I’m not normal ‘anymore.’ People should know by now, that I don’t live for myself. I live for others who don’t have the blessings like I do. Because I realized that artificial things make you feel good, but not forever. But things like changing someone’s life for the better, really affect your whole life. They live with you, they become an attachment of your soul. Always reminding you what your capable of. Capable of changing someone’s life, and starting a chain reaction of life changing moments. That’s what’s most important to me. My passions like drawing or writing mean so much to me. But what I live for, is to really help somebody. That’s why things like success or fame seem so ideal, but in reality they might not be the best. Of course I’d like to live a great life, go to the best university, have the best things, but those are not prominent. Things like that sometimes get in the way of the big picture, and they can really cloud potential. Chasing the unimportant things in life will get you far, but I think the people who aren’t in the news but are changing lives without recognition are the people we should all learn from. The people who don’t need recognition to fuel themselves, they are fraught of love. An overflowing beautiful mess of wonderful things that light up each affected person. But one of the saddest things, is that they aren’t recognized of their potential. They might be discarded or thrown to the side compared to others who might have a lot of degrees or lengthy resumes. Sometimes life isn’t fair. Actually most times life isn’t fair. But people learn to keep moving on, to keep living. That’s just who we are.

After surgery

After having two spontaneous lung collapses, I learned to let go. Like really let go. Two times, that both reminded me just how close the taste of death was. Everyday in the hospital, I would stare at the same wall for hours. Not moving, not thinking, just passing time. As oil and dirt caked on my body, and I could smell myself, I still couldn’t move. Every time I nudged over a bit to get my blood pressure checked was like literally having a knife stab through my upper right shoulder. As a person, I knew things happened for a reason, but I wasn’t sure what the reason was and it was frustrating to scroll through my phone as that was the only thing I could do while strapped to a hospital bed to see that everyone else was still living on without me. But as a Christian, I knew that God only gives us what we’re strong enough to handle. And it was a hard uphill climb to get back to where I am today. And even now, I’m different. I’m missing a part if my right lung and have four holes punctures that have left scars that will always remind me of what I’ve gone through. And even though it sucked a lot compared to a lot of people, I’m lucky and blessed to be like this. Even through all the pain, I understand that there are so many people who have it worse than me. And I really want to change that. Perhaps the experience was terrible but it changed me. I learned to let go each day during and after the hospital of my expectations, of controlling the outcome, and of knowing what will happen. I still dreamed about some of my important goals and they’d still very important. But this time my outlook changed. It wasn’t about everyone else this time, but also about me. Without my health, I really couldn’t do anything. I learned to value everything in life, not take things for granted even the things I don’t like. Because there will be a time when you’ll might lose everything and you’ll wish for the small things and unimportant things because they all matter. I let go of my expectations not like letting go of my dreams. But letting go the constant pressure of having to be perfect and having things turn out the way I wanted to. Sometimes things don’t work out and there’s nothing we can do about it.

the faults of our universe

She’ll never get to walk down an aisle with a flowing wedding dress or have her father take her to the floor to dance. She won’t be able to comfort her parent’s when she’s gone, and she’s scared, but mostly she’s scared for them. Terrified that her mother won’t be a mother anymore, and scared her dad will stare at the walls for countless hours a day. She’s in pain. But humans don’t like pain, however, they still deal with it.

*spoiler alert for ‘the fault in our stars’ -John Green

i’ve never seen a love that hurts so much. when both people are going through pain, but yet they are able to support each other. and life sucks… it really does. Certain things happen to certain people, and there’s nothing we can do about it, except live on. Life gives you hope and then just as quickly take it away. While watching the fault in our stars, I cried, I bawled, I couldn’t breathe. Because I know how it’s like to be like Hazel Grace. I know well enough how it feels to not be able to breathe, and have myself drowning in my own lungs. It’s painful, and having something hit so close to me, really broke me inside. I got better, it wasn’t cancer, but something like cancer is spontaneous. Sometimes it gives mercy, and other times, it’s a bitch. As I saw chest tubes being inserted into her, I was like girl, I legit feel your pain. And to be honest, when I got chest tubes poked in me, it was one of the most painful things as I was awake the first time, and yet just the same, I was asked by doctors to rate my pain from 1-10. And that damn scale! I was asked tons of times that it made me want to puke. I never said 10, because just like Hazel Grace, I’m keeping that 10 later. Folding it up and storing it away, until the right moment comes. Because there will be a day, when I believe that physical pain will give way to emotional pain. Just like when August dies.

Watching other people grieve is devastating. Just try imagining what it’s like… As I was watching the movie, I was like this is why I want to be a pediatric oncologist, to change cancer patient’s lives.. but there’s so much more to it. Cancer hits anyone at anytime. Babies, children, and teenagers alike were dying going through pain that I might never get to meet in my lifetime, and they’re dying. They’re slowly dying, with their loved ones dying. And not once did I cry for Hazel or August because they were strong. I cried for their parents, because being a sister, I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose somebody that’s my little baby. Even though through all my pain, I only cried once at the hospital. Perhaps, it was a bit of self pity but for the most part, I thought I was going to die, and I realized how much my family and friends cared about me. It finally hit me, how much I meant to them, and the pain that I would cause them if I did die. I cried because how is it like to watch your own child learn how to talk, then walk, then go to school, but you never get to seem the graduate or lead a normal life like others. How does it feel to be helpless? How does it feel to have the person you most love, the person that you would die for, lie in your arms, and you can’t do anything to help them? I cried. I’m not going to use fancy vocab words to describe my state of crying, but I wept and sniffled. There were times when my parents got sick and times that I was very close to dying. And all these moments are like light bulbs flashing in my brain like a warning sign.

Appreciate the people around you. Don’t get caught up in how much time you have left, but how much time you still have. Be brave. Be the one that they want you to be, be their support because they can’t be strong enough to brace two people. Suck it in, take a deep breath. Time can cut anywhere, it can be tomorrow, in a few years, or the next seconds. But just know, even though no matter how long the time was, it always seems short. But just because the times short, doesn’t mean it wasn’t anything. It counts, you count, they count.

 

When I realized how much Gus wanted to leave a mark on the world, I finally knew what I wanted to do. I don’t live for myself, I live for others. But I understand that I’m going to live for others through me. The things many people can’t do, I’m going to do it for them. It isn’t fair that certain people will never get to do the things they want or help make the world a better place because they can’t. It hurts in many ways. So please use your talents to help others out. You shouldn’t always do things for yourself, but do some  things for others.

I know how it feels to be the one who feels helpless but also the person who feels so sorry of putting the ones they love in situations like these. Each side is painful, and no one has it easy. If you are grieving or just want to talk, please feel free to contact me. I want to make a change, we shouldn’t let something like cancer get in the way of so many lives. It’s time to stop it.

Precious Earth

How you change all these years?

Like a bellowing wave that slowly crashes into the shore

Always hugging the beach no matter how many times it pushes you away

You give Your Love but we just throw it away

We’re sorry for destroying You

but you see we don’t do anything to stop it anyway

You see,we understand that you’re heating up

with anger I suppose

but we keep waiting as days pass by for someone to take action

because we’re too lazy to take the responsibility into our own hands

and the days add up because slowly You’re aging too

You’re growing old, you can’t keep up anymore

It’s getting out of control, and You’re giving warnings 

a little rise of water there, some taking back of Your ice that we don’t deserve

You see that we keep on living

Like those things haven’t left at all

When all those little creatures are not burried beneath Your arms

We still don’t notice

Stuck in our own world of oblivion

Will catch up with us one day

But for now, You’re too tired to keep up with 

This crap 

Or

Us

 

Mother, what do I do?

and how can you bring yourself to look at her

when you know that everything could change

in a second, in a moment

it will never be the same

the only thing you can hold onto

is today.

you regret so many things

but perhaps the one thing

you regret themost

is doubting her love

because one thing’s for sure

she’s never failed you

even when you’re in the darkest times.

But you don’t know

if you’ll be able to stand tall,

how should you know, when you’re a kid yourself

Be strong for her, you say

You can’t even stand

without having your own legs trembling with fear

from the could have beens

the broken promises

the unspoken words

the uncertain future

but you can’t look away either

it’s the only thing you can do….

after taking so much

but  giving so little

 

Two Lung Collapses in Two Weeks; The Art of Surprise

It changed my values, my thoughts, my dreams.

The thought of not knowing the future did not bother me

It was more of the oblivion of the past that haunted me

I had thought those were my final moments

But long from it

 

The act of breathing is simplicity

But when pain shoots through you every time

You breathe

what are you supposed to do?

You’ll have to live it down

 

I remember that week of not moving

With every twitch, a stabbing danger through my shoulder

Like being crushed slowly by a boulder that wouldn’t lift

Being caught in the murky waters of your own drowning lungs

Not moving, for one week

The oil and sweat from your skin cakes your body

Envelops you with a thick grossness

That you can’t get rid of

 

Even when it’s over now

You’ll never forget those waiting moments

Patience is a virtue

Watching time go by when you’re in pain

It’s excruciating

No matter what you do

Time will not fly away fast enough

 

So those seconds, those hours, those days,

before finally a doctor came to me

And said I could go home

 

And I thought the hospital was the uphill climb!

Boy was I wrong

Watching the people around me going about their daily lives

When everything changed for me

was a bit like hell

It changed my values

My thoughts

My dreams