Monthly Archives: March 2017

Understanding Judgement

For as long as I could remember, as a child I was a clean slate. I saw people by their smiles, their reactions to the world around them. But throughout the tail end of elementary as I transitioned to a wealthier part of town, I began to be teased for the lack of branding on my clothes. I began to feel less worthy and could understand that there was something like class that distinguished me from my peers. Before, people were either nice or rude and I had very few lenses with which to view people. However with time and more knowledge, the characteristics of others were always in my face. More specifically physical characteristics screamed at me.

Being subjected to bullying and cyber bullying, I was called fat, really fat, ugly, worthless, friendless, and other personal attacks. I couldn’t stop seeing myself as a standard or a ruler with which I used to measure others. Every time I went about in my daily life, I was first consumed by fear. Were those eyes taking in how ugly I looked? Were those lips smirking at my physical insecurities? Were those people judging me of not being worthy of their time or attention? And so I went about my day without making eye contact, in fear of really being able to see into their soul that was judging me. At the same time, I felt terrible but when I did see someone I couldn’t help but automatically compare themselves with me. Time does heal all wounds but in their place are scars. Those scars are the remnants of judgement that still fleets through me sometimes. The voices are a lot smaller and more silent these days but I’m not proud that they still occur. Perhaps that’s why I was so scared before… that no matter what I did, people would be looking, judging, and calculating. I realized that even though I strive to be a good person, I still judge. No matter how hard I try to push it out, I still do. And from then on I realized I couldn’t change people from judging me or me from judging others. I could only change my reactions towards their judgement and myself, work on not judging others before I get to know who they are.

If someone judges you without getting to know your story or who you are, then they don’t deserve to be worthy or your time or affection. And if I don’t take the time to get to know someone without formulating thoughts then I’m a hypocrite.

Going through some months in university was one of the greatest experiences for me. I got to learn mind shattering things but most importantly, I got to understand what it’s like to be open minded and understanding. I used to throw around “walk in somebody else’s shoes” without knowing what it really meant. But from meeting people from all around the world at university and talking to people of different ages from the city, I have been introduced to so many different views that have sprouted from unique people and backgrounds. Now, instead of getting angry when someone is rude to me, I think of why they might be feeling that way. Maybe they’ve had a long day or they’re physically/emotionally drained. Or when someone angrily denounces my faith, I realize that they were brought up with certain beliefs and values. I look past the what people do and instead dive into the why they do the things they do. Focusing on the “why” can bridge the divide by connecting us through our actions and thoughts. I can’t expect people to behave the way I do because they’re not me! They have completely different thought process, have gone through completely different experiences, and were brought up by completely different people.

 

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Understanding Escape

Dear Readers,

It’s been a while hasn’t it? These past few months have been so incredibly difficult for me; A lot more difficult then I had thought it would be. Having my lung collapse for the fifth time without any medical explanations or possible reasoning from doctor’s, my family and I have been muddled by anxiety and fear. Anxiety each day of when it will happen again and fear for the inevitable.

These past weeks, I’ve been doing a lot better and feeling a lot more normal. It will take another month before I can go back to my complete routine and despite feeling very disappointed for all the lost opportunities, I am working to be grateful for all that I have.

I must admit that it was so easy to be caught up in my hurt and a cycle of self pity each day I woke up. As my eyes would open, I would take a very long time before I got the courage to try to get up because of the pain that would seize me if I did. Each thing I did involved breathing or moving my intercostal muscles that had been punctured around eleven times. Even now, I get extremely scared of the pain when I sneeze or yawn. Life is different again and I know all it takes is acceptance to move on.

This post is a beginning of a series I’m hoping to explore: Understanding ___. I hope to describe negative emotions that I have experienced and how I have overcome them:) *I’m also hoping to stick to a posting schedule now that I’m working to tackle escaping. Most of my energy is going to be towards the book I’m writing however!*

As I got caught up in a cycle of negativity, I couldn’t face the things I loved to do with much hope in fear of failing. I knew I didn’t have the physical ability to run, I wasn’t really up to read some of my favourite books, and I was already tired of putting my feelings into words. So with my friends’ suggestions, I downloaded Netflix and began watching shows. Now with time on my hands, I finally began to actually watch things. I never had the time to watch TV shows in the past and our family didn’t have cable. I began waking up each morning so ashamed of what I was going to do but not caring anymore. You see I had lived with a routine where I spent each moment everyday doing something productive. Even when I went to the movies with friends, I would be scrutinizing each scene to find what I could learn from the characters so that my time would be made worthwhile. In hindsight, I realize how stingy I was with my time: always living for the future never enjoying the present. But to be fair, I was raised to value time and to live each day as my last. However, with all my plans for uni, research, and EC’s wiped away, I felt discouraged. I had enough of being knocked down and working twice as hard as my peers just to catch up with school.

I began the day watching Netflix and I ended the day watching it. I spent so many days doing this because I couldn’t–didn’t want to face my reality. By immersing myself in these fictional character’s lives, I could escape into another world. I could forget about my worries and not take action to face the inevitable. While I was doing this, I knew I was a coward. I knew that I was not courageous enough to stop and get on with life. I validated that it was okay because I was a patient and needed some rest. I mean there’s nothing wrong with that but secretly I knew that I was escaping from reality.

That’s when I realized why some people have addictions. From a position of being fortunate, I had never understood why people could have addictions. But I began to see that they’re an escape: alcohol, partying, sex, food, shopping, gambling, gaming, drugs, etc. It can be a comfortable illusion that temporarily blinds us from the truth. I felt so down and fearful of the things I needed to face that I hid myself in TV shows. Even though I had the restraint from being addicted, I then began to understand how hard it is to conquer addiction. Even now as I write this, I’m scared to have to tackle what is to come, which is so different from the future I had imagined. I’ll need to reconsider my majors and my future career goal as my spontaneous lung collapses will prevent me from the career I have always dreamed of. I’ll need to accept that I can’t always be ahead and I’ll have to swallow down my pride to be a year behind despite always working to be a year ahead through AP courses in high school. There’s a lot to reconsider and I’m already confused about the choices I have to make but I’m willing to step out of the haziness and focus on the reality now.

Right now you could be going through something so much more difficult and I know for a fact that I’ll never truly understand what you’re going through, I can only try. But I do know for a fact that you always have a choice. You have a choice to look far within yourself for that strength. The strength to say enough is enough. The strength to say that who you are doesn’t have to be who you will be; that your past doesn’t define your future. The strength to move past the pain and hold onto faith that things will work out for the better. The strength to get back up and hand life some lemonade again. I believe you, I really do. I’ll be waiting for that cup of lemonade.

 

xoxo,Cecilia

 

Live well and prosper