After surgery

After having two spontaneous lung collapses, I learned to let go. Like really let go. Two times, that both reminded me just how close the taste of death was. Everyday in the hospital, I would stare at the same wall for hours. Not moving, not thinking, just passing time. As oil and dirt caked on my body, and I could smell myself, I still couldn’t move. Every time I nudged over a bit to get my blood pressure checked was like literally having a knife stab through my upper right shoulder. As a person, I knew things happened for a reason, but I wasn’t sure what the reason was and it was frustrating to scroll through my phone as that was the only thing I could do while strapped to a hospital bed to see that everyone else was still living on without me. But as a Christian, I knew that God only gives us what we’re strong enough to handle. And it was a hard uphill climb to get back to where I am today. And even now, I’m different. I’m missing a part if my right lung and have four holes punctures that have left scars that will always remind me of what I’ve gone through. And even though it sucked a lot compared to a lot of people, I’m lucky and blessed to be like this. Even through all the pain, I understand that there are so many people who have it worse than me. And I really want to change that. Perhaps the experience was terrible but it changed me. I learned to let go each day during and after the hospital of my expectations, of controlling the outcome, and of knowing what will happen. I still dreamed about some of my important goals and they’d still very important. But this time my outlook changed. It wasn’t about everyone else this time, but also about me. Without my health, I really couldn’t do anything. I learned to value everything in life, not take things for granted even the things I don’t like. Because there will be a time when you’ll might lose everything and you’ll wish for the small things and unimportant things because they all matter. I let go of my expectations not like letting go of my dreams. But letting go the constant pressure of having to be perfect and having things turn out the way I wanted to. Sometimes things don’t work out and there’s nothing we can do about it.

Author: admin