It’s been a while hasn’t it? These past few months have been so incredibly difficult for me; A lot more difficult then I had thought it would be. Having my lung collapse for the fifth time without any medical explanations or possible reasoning from doctor’s, my family and I have been muddled by anxiety and fear. Anxiety each day of when it will happen again and fear for the inevitable.
These past weeks, I’ve been doing a lot better and feeling a lot more normal. It will take another month before I can go back to my complete routine and despite feeling very disappointed for all the lost opportunities, I am working to be grateful for all that I have.
I must admit that it was so easy to be caught up in my hurt and a cycle of self pity each day I woke up. As my eyes would open, I would take a very long time before I got the courage to try to get up because of the pain that would seize me if I did. Each thing I did involved breathing or moving my intercostal muscles that had been punctured around eleven times. Even now, I get extremely scared of the pain when I sneeze or yawn. Life is different again and I know all it takes is acceptance to move on.
This post is a beginning of a series I’m hoping to explore: Understanding ___. I hope to describe negative emotions that I have experienced and how I have overcome them:) *I’m also hoping to stick to a posting schedule now that I’m working to tackle escaping. Most of my energy is going to be towards the book I’m writing however!*
As I got caught up in a cycle of negativity, I couldn’t face the things I loved to do with much hope in fear of failing. I knew I didn’t have the physical ability to run, I wasn’t really up to read some of my favourite books, and I was already tired of putting my feelings into words. So with my friends’ suggestions, I downloaded Netflix and began watching shows. Now with time on my hands, I finally began to actually watch things. I never had the time to watch TV shows in the past and our family didn’t have cable. I began waking up each morning so ashamed of what I was going to do but not caring anymore. You see I had lived with a routine where I spent each moment everyday doing something productive. Even when I went to the movies with friends, I would be scrutinizing each scene to find what I could learn from the characters so that my time would be made worthwhile. In hindsight, I realize how stingy I was with my time: always living for the future never enjoying the present. But to be fair, I was raised to value time and to live each day as my last. However, with all my plans for uni, research, and EC’s wiped away, I felt discouraged. I had enough of being knocked down and working twice as hard as my peers just to catch up with school.
I began the day watching Netflix and I ended the day watching it. I spent so many days doing this because I couldn’t–didn’t want to face my reality. By immersing myself in these fictional character’s lives, I could escape into another world. I could forget about my worries and not take action to face the inevitable. While I was doing this, I knew I was a coward. I knew that I was not courageous enough to stop and get on with life. I validated that it was okay because I was a patient and needed some rest. I mean there’s nothing wrong with that but secretly I knew that I was escaping from reality.
That’s when I realized why some people have addictions. From a position of being fortunate, I had never understood why people could have addictions. But I began to see that they’re an escape: alcohol, partying, sex, food, shopping, gambling, gaming, drugs, etc. It can be a comfortable illusion that temporarily blinds us from the truth. I felt so down and fearful of the things I needed to face that I hid myself in TV shows. Even though I had the restraint from being addicted, I then began to understand how hard it is to conquer addiction. Even now as I write this, I’m scared to have to tackle what is to come, which is so different from the future I had imagined. I’ll need to reconsider my majors and my future career goal as my spontaneous lung collapses will prevent me from the career I have always dreamed of. I’ll need to accept that I can’t always be ahead and I’ll have to swallow down my pride to be a year behind despite always working to be a year ahead through AP courses in high school. There’s a lot to reconsider and I’m already confused about the choices I have to make but I’m willing to step out of the haziness and focus on the reality now.
Right now you could be going through something so much more difficult and I know for a fact that I’ll never truly understand what you’re going through, I can only try. But I do know for a fact that you always have a choice. You have a choice to look far within yourself for that strength. The strength to say enough is enough. The strength to say that who you are doesn’t have to be who you will be; that your past doesn’t define your future. The strength to move past the pain and hold onto faith that things will work out for the better. The strength to get back up and hand life some lemonade again. I believe you, I really do. I’ll be waiting for that cup of lemonade.
Live well and prosper